how to find yourself
2010 high school homecoming sophomore year.
I was a very active and social kid growing up, until I hit puberty.
if there was a billboard for awkward, acne, and uncomfortable, I would be on it. (see above picture)
and while I had played football long before then, it was during high school, the awkward phase, when I started to find early success and formed an identity in my ability on the field.
luckily, I had something to lean on to avoid the excruciating pain of awkwardness.
I found comfort in the ability to hide under the helmet, trophies, scholarships, media attention, and the pre-draft process and professional circuit.
with the amount of stimulation i received from football, it was difficult for me at the time to understand who I was off the field, and what kind of value I provided to the world, or if I was liked if not for my ability on the field.
“the highest pursuit is the treacherous journey
into the core of oneself,
beyond skin and bones
where nothing exists but truth.”
when my career came to an abrupt end, and the stimulation I received from the thrill of the sport stopped, my body had grown accustomed to the rush of training, fighting, and pursuing greatness.
I kept going without ever realizing that I needed to stop or that I could stop.
I didn’t have another tool or strategy but continue pushing myself, especially at a time when I severely needed to rest, after my third concussion.
during the most formative years of my life, where identities are forged, understanding of the world and your role in it solidifies, my identity had been built upon the significant reward received from success in the sport, beyond anything else, and when it ended, I feared that without that drive to pursue greatness, to push myself, to have success, to earn money regardless of the physical or moral consequences, such as selling “medical” devices I didn’t believe encouraged the very best and brightest of humanity, that I wouldn’t exist and I had no purpose.
my identity had been built on these mental strategies, an operating system I used in order to receive a massive reward, that I would continue chasing to no end, if not for another factor calling me in a different direction.
for years I struggled to understand my role, tip-toeing into health coaching, podcasting, or returning to the medical field, earning a masters in integrative medicine, each one providing more clues to who I was and what value I provided.
each time I made a decision to let go of what I thought I wanted, in an act of humility or failure, I learned that it wasn’t those things that made me who I was, but conversely my ability to make a decision about what was best for me, to fall into the unknown and trust it would lead me closer to what I really wanted, which I didn’t necessarily know except for what I learned I didn’t want in throughout my journey, which I eventually discovered was to find my purpose here, to be at peace, and to be satisfied with myself as a person and make an impact in the world.
i had had enough of chasing a dream that would never satisfy, watching people choose careers for money, while sacrificing their health and morality, choosing a safe life of limitation and monotony, rather than growth, abundance, and creativity.
I wanted something different.
through the years of letting go of different career paths, which to many people looked like I was indecisive, in each failure, or release of those identities, strategies, or pursuits, I learned what I wanted with my life and what I didn’t want.
I learned I didn’t want to work in a cubicle, for somebody else, and that I couldn’t work for someone.
TAKING THE BAIT
after my second time deferring medical school, I even took a job with a start-up tech company posed as the revolution for athletes everywhere, seemed to be perfectly aligned with my morals and goals.
they had the financial backing, high-level athletic and tech-sector connections, administrative set-up, and team that I thought would provide the career I had always sought. now of course this promise seemed to good to be true.
very quickly into the endeavor I saw warning signs I tried hard to ignore but couldn’t, such as spending very little time on the essence of the brand, missing a mission & vision but moving quickly to build events and get the sales team into the field without having a solidified product, bringing in outside help without listening to the team itself, feeling threatened by many of the ideas posed, nepotism, promoting highly unqualified but loyal team members into managerial positions, and misunderstanding the markets needs, which I felt, as a former professional athlete with a masters in integrative medicine, I knew as well as anyone.
I tried to swallow my frustration and displeasure with the lack of progress in the foundation building of the company, despite my significant efforts to contribute in the form of blogs, reaching out to former teammates and current professional players, but there were too many problems and not enough support, their inability to listen to the sales team, that led me to speak up.
there was zero integrity in the company and I could sense if it wasn’t fixed quickly, the ship would sink.
sure enough, I was the first one fired.
sure enough, soon after, the ship sank.
LESSONS LEARNED
what I learned in this process was how to detect and trust the warning signs.
I now knew what to look for when it comes to identifying soon-to-be failing businesses, or structures, and deceptive and manipulative businessmen who claim to have your best interests, looking for soldiers to follow orders instead of impact players who can spot problems and have the ability and desire to fix them.
at first it was a shock to be fired, but quickly thereafter I found relief in knowing I wasn’t supposed to be on that team, that I was meant for something else, where my ability as a person and my compassion for people would be valued.
i returned to the drawing board.
FAILING HIGHER
over and over again, football coaching, writing a book, traveling europe, writing poetry, I learned more and more about myself through failure, or release of what I thought would happen, what I thought I wanted.
none of the things i’ve done, tried, and failed at are what define me.
instead, it’s in deciding what matters most to me, which decides who I become, which is where my identity lies, in what matters most to me.
is it maintaining the comfort of the world I know, while sacrificing other parts of me?
clearly I decided, after failing at football, a grueling and uncomfortable process I would highly discourage, I’m not aiming to be successful in this world, such as what would have happened if I decided to swallow my morals and rise through the corporate ladder at all costs, afraid to let go of the known, foregoing other dreams of success and losing the infinite possibility awaiting me, but choosing safety and comfort of financial success before personal growth, but that I’m in love with the process of becoming more of myself and finding myself.
in each of these failures, releases of old paradigms, mental constructs, or egoic ties, there was something placed higher in my heart than the supposed promise of financial success, social status, and comfort, which was what I cared about, what I wanted, and ensuring that I am evolving into a person I love, without things or stimulation to distract me from that.
when I chose something for the sake of impressing somebody else, the further away from myself I found myself. my life became the culture, what other people wanted, and I stopped doing the things I always wanted to do because I wanted to be loved by others, losing sense of what I wanted for myself.
I was caught in the act of chasing someone’s attention and what I thought they wanted me to be.
I was never comfortable with myself because I was trying to please every single person, and ensure that everyone liked me, because that’s how I thought I would be valued.
in reality, all that strategy did was subtract from my presence and peace in the world.
I learned that if i decide I love someone else, or their idea of who I am, their happiness over my own, that I become deformed to their opinion of me, changing myself to please others, and never becoming myself.
“the worst thing that could happen to a young man is to reach his peak at 23, and do nothing but relish in his glory days for the rest of his life, believing the work to be over. ”
instead, when i place myself highest in my heart, choosing to support my needs first, in full gratitude of the support of others, but not behaving to please them, but in honesty of myself, I actually find that I have more of an impact in the world, that my world is brighter, I come to enjoy more interactions with people and many people who I would have never guessed to make connections with, grocery baggers, baristas, food truck operators, janitors, etc, and in fact, these people i have found to have more vitality, joy, peace, and sense of humor than those with greater titles, belongings associated to their name.
MODERN CULTURE
I look around at the world during my travels, mostly in America, and see people, young people especially, trying to fit in with the popular culture, changing their hair styles to what is popular on tik-tok, trying to look like a certain type of person, or doing certain things that successful people do, in hopes they too will find success, and certainly i was this very person.
when you see these types, I don’t see confidence and certainty, but young people who are unsure of themselves, who have such a high attachment to their looks, without any attention or awareness directed to who they are or what they’re becoming. they adjust their lives to serve the idea of what success looks like, without understanding that all of the success that comes to those who chase it will fall away at some point, leaving what behind? (as what happened with my football career.)
unfortunately, I have witnessed teammates who had it all, every talent and success, who didn’t know how to handle the limelight, who died before the age of thirty.
I have heard stories and have seen people with severe depression after their football careers, because if that’s all you know about yourself and you dedicated your entire formative years to becoming something that you cannot be for the rest of your life, what do you have to fall back on?
the worst thing that could happen to a young man is to reach his peak at 23, and do nothing but relish in his glory days for the rest of his life, believing the personal work to be over.
if you’re aim is to peak as soon as possible, for the sake of rest later, what are you becoming the rest of the time? and what kind of life is spent with a bunch of money and success, but in never understanding all that you can become?
and equally if you’re doing something to keep up with the crowd, or win faster than others at the game of the world, you’ll always be behind the wave, unintentionally becoming somebody you’re not, hoping you’ll be loved at the end of it, all the while missing out on what’s possible for you and the fact that you are always loved, without any of the things you think you need to be loved.
in the process of chasing, you’ll lose yourself in someone else’s dream.
LOSS, THE GREATEST TEACHER
despite the initial, fear-ridden perspective of losing everything to find yourself, finding yourself isn’t about losing your identity, presence, power, and purpose in the world, it’s about losing your association to the things of this world, in order to find more of who you are without them.
when you find yourself, you find that the more unique you are, the more attractive you are to other people.
you’re unique not because you trying to be unique, believing that others will like you more that way because of your uniqueness, but because you have learned what you like for yourself, without other people influencing your decisions. many people will find this strange and uncomfortable, but this doesn’t bother you anymore, because you’re fully satisfied with who you are outside of any outside opinion.
instead of chasing waves, become your own wave.
if you want be loved, you have to love yourself first.
if you don’t love yourself first, you’ll never find yourself. you’ll only find who you are with the power of another source of energy, attachment.
and you have to trust that you are loved not for being someone that is like-able, but for being yourself.
where are you looking to find yourself? may it not be a bucket in the sand… dbe in gulf shores, al as a young boy.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
in this world of infinite pursuits, there is one that is most noble, the one that makes the biggest difference in your life, the pursuit to know, love, and become more yourself.
it’s easy to conflate the things we have and what we do with who we are, without understanding the one who experiences those things,
but anything you believe you need that is not your actual heart, health, and joy, you, is a deception of the mind as it is the disbelief of the mind that anything that cannot be sensed to be real.
the mind disbeliefs love, until it is forced to let go of that belief, to align with love of self.
this is true alignment.
to know yourself is to love yourself through the process of continual growth, not stagnation and comfort, which is only dissatisfaction and death, therefore emergence from stagnation into your highest being.
so how do you find yourself?
let’s learn.
THREE SIMPLE STEPS TO FIND YOURSELF
isolation and solitude
understanding comes through rest, stillness, and sensory depravation. this process helps remind you what it’s like to be loved without external things reminding you or influencing your behavior.
through silence, you’ll be able to listen to what you need and what you want.
my mornings are critical for isolation, as well as quiet time while driving in the car and before bed.
get away from your comfort bubble
travel. leave home. try other cultures. learn about the world and what you like without the comfort or pressure of other people expecting a certain behavior or interest.
in the exploration of the world, your body activates into a different being, forced to adapt to different environments and different people.
outside of comfort you’ll understand how there are many different ways of living, that it’s actually encouraged to be unique, that everyone has their own story, and importantly, that you’re capable of leaving comfort, and the value found in letting go of things that you found your identity in.
if you never test yourself in this way, you’ll never understand the potential of who you can become.
remove energy blocks
when you isolate, you’ll understand which things are prohibitive to growth and the importance of removing them from your operating system.
during my discovery phase, I found my incessant drive to work and please others was highly unproductive and inhibitive to my growth.
to operate well,to recalibrate or sharpen the axe, I needed to incorporate rest and isolation, which of course to my old self felt lazy, like I was falling behind, but the more I engaged in this strategy, the more I realized I actually improved my ability to detect where I needed to go and what to do with my time.
this allowed me to understand that the more i removed from what I believed to be my identity, the more I became.
you’ll also understand how powerful you are to change, that it’s through removing the blocks that growth occurs seamlessly.
understanding yourself means spending time with yourself.
if you’re afraid to be alone, or ashamed to know who you are, it’s okay.
write about. sink into the feeling. find where the trauma comes from. gently. with love.
remind yourself you are loved, that the things you have done do not define you, but instead in what you decide is best for you, how you respond, that you are capable of change, and how often and how quickly you release from people or things that inhibit you.
the more people in the world who are not seeking to please the people around them, but to please themselves first, is a brighter world, in which each person is their ecosystem of uniqueness and creativity.
this is a better place. this is a better world.
this is a better you.
thank you for reading.
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thanks again.
in love,
david
